You line ‘em up, I’ll knock ‘em down

Calling Cookie Monster

Friends keep telling me I need to write a book about my dating life. I think the book has already been written, plus without a happy ending, it’s just pitiful, really.

But I do feel compelled to chronicle – why, I have no clue – last week’s romantic clusterf***. Within five days, FIVE romantic prospects evaporated into thin air. Poof. Be gone.

There was Cookie Monster, Spike Lee Wannabe, Mini-Jerk, Hard Hat and Little Drummer Boy. Details will be fuzzed a bit to protect identities.

First, Cookie Monster.

Met dude on an online dating site (yes, it’s incredibly lame, but desperate times call for desperate measures). We traded e-mails  although I was a bit put off by his insistence that he be paired with a very attractive woman. He was NO Idris Elba, so why would he require a Halle Berry?

Plus, he said he was 5-4. Which means he was really 4-11 because short guys always lie about their height and I don’t blame them because who wants someone who can’t reach the stuff on the high shelves? Generally I of 5-1 stature prefer guys over like 5-6.

BUT… he lives in DC, a city I could definitely see myself living in, so… wth. We trade phone numbers and he called.

OMG OMG OMG.

This is where a webcast of me imitating his voice would be appropriate, but I am so not doing that, mainly because I HATE how I look on camera. Plus, imitating his voice hurts my throat.

But…. dude calls and he is utterly unintelligible. His voice is exactly like Cookie Monster, except I can usually understand what Cookie Monster says.

I had to ask him to repeat all of the four sentences he said like eight times until I finally did what I HATE to have done to me – I asked him – can I call you back? when I knew I had NO INTENTION ON THIS EARTH OR IN THIS LIFE to ever call him back.

He’s in the same fraternity as my brother, though, (SKEE-PHI) so I didn’t want to just be an ass. So I sent him a message on the dating site to say – Dude, I’m sure you’re delightful but I couldn’t understand a word you said and I’m just not sure how to have a conversation with someone who sounds like the blue furry dude except worse. (OK, I left out the blue furry part).

This brings me to Spike Lee Wannabe. This one actually stung. I met him when I was at a rare social outing. He approached me and in conversation, he said he’d made a movie, that a colleague had given it a good review. I was appropriately interested, probably said I’d love to see it, blah blah. Well, dude dropped off a copy of it at my job and when I got it (two weeks later when I actually went into the office and checked my mail) I was surprised, because I’d only met him in passing, although he said he recognized me immediately from the newspaper.

He was mildly attractive, a bit scruffier than I usually go for, but I thought – wow, he must be trying to make a connection, to bother to drop off the movie! I called him to tell him I got the movie, and told him I’d let him know what I thought.

The movie sat by my DVD for days, and then he asked to be my friend on Facebook. I friended him, and he said he wanted to take me for a drink when I’d seen the movie, to hear what I thought.

Me and my fast ass, I was like – haaaaaayyyy – do I have to have seen the movie to get you to take me out for a drink? He was like – LOL, no… So we make plans to go for a drink. The night we’re supposed to connect, he says he can’t do it until later that night. And me, having learned my lesson on this the hard way, I say – your wife/girlfriend isn’t going to mind you being out late with a pretty woman? And he’s like – she’s understanding.

WTF? I do a little more prying and turns out – and here’s where it still stings – he only wanted to hear what I thought about his film (it’s actually pretty good) because he was hoping that since I’m a newspaper writer, I could help him with publicity or some ish with his flick.

Honestly, that’s so not my domain and I told him so, but I was really disappointed, because I did think he wanted to get to know ME. Sigh. I can’t really blame him, though, he’s trying to make his dream happen – but I hate to grill guys right out the gate about their intentions, but I also hate to get my face cracked.

OK… I’m getting tired, so I’ll finish this later! Tune in next time!