This is a much delayed ending to my dating disasters (see earlier post). Now, for the story about Hard Hat and Little Drummer Boy and Hard Hat. (I mentioned Mini Jerk before, but he’s just short and a jerk. End of story.)
Hard Hat: I met him online and I promise before God, when I saw his picture, I was like – yeah, this won’t work. Why? Because in the picture he had on a hard hat and was emerging from some crevice in the earth. OK, so it was a manhole, not a crevice in the earth. Same difference. Unless it’s Zack Randolph, I’m not really a blue-collar girl. But Z-Bo could get it.
But YET AGAIN, I ignored that initial MEH and pressed forward. We exchange text messages – so much simpler than texting although it’s horribly impersonal and can be done while you’re on a date with someone else (not that I’d know… Ahem.). He quickly reveals that he has… wait for it… seven kids. Ages 7-19.
I do not want children at all and don’t think I even want to parent in any way ever, at least not in any way that requires more responsibility than the responsibility I have now for my dog. (I know this is contrary to the maternal urges women are supposed to have, but I’m just being real.) And this will seem horribly shallow – but unless you wear a hard hat as part of your job OWNING EVERYTHING UNDER THE EARTH, I am not sure how you can have 6 dependent kids and have any spare money to do the things I’d like to do, reasonable things like movies and dinners. That’s a LOT of child support. So I quickly exited stage left.
Then, there was Drummer Boy. This was a good one. You’ll be glad you click on “more.”
Drummer Boy likes percussion and I’ll leave it at that. He has a slamming body that you can feel just from giving him a hug. He’s easy on the eyes and none of our mutual friends had anything horrible to say about him, so we started going out.
We were not a good fit for more reasons than I could possibly fit in this space, but this was the WTF straw. I don’t know how we got to talking about this, but I asked him if he’d ever had sex with a man and he said, “No, but…”
OK, as a straight woman who doesn’t want to date gay or bi men, there is no way “No, but…” has a good ending. Turns out that several years ago, he met a man dressed as a woman. The guy came on to him, and gave Drummer Boy his phone number, said he lived in the area and they could hang out sometime. Drummer Boy said he went over to the cross-dresser’s house but left without doing anything. R-i-i-i-i-g-h-t.
At first I was like, well, he could still be straight… But I consulted two straight guy friends (hardly a statistically relevant sample size, but still…) and they said that no way would they accept a piece of paper with a cross dresser’s phone number on it, much less roll over to dude’s crib.
I’m glad I asked the question, but dang. How do I keep running into such losers? The universe has a sense of humor, that’s for sure.
